Teen Titans Megamix
by Imaginarivalued
Summary: Absolute crack. Don't look! It's HORRIBLE! All the lack of actual story lines! Make it STOP! Somebody get me Matt Damon!


_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

Raven hugged herself as she turned her head away, alone in the darkness. She trembled, once, twice, and the shadows mimicked.

Footsteps echoed.

The voice of a young man soon followed.

"R-raven! Why are you doing this!?"

"Because I can't allow things to go further than it already has!"

"I d-don't understand! Everything was going so well!"

"I know! I know! But it has gone on too well! We were climbing so high, that the price would be greater than a double sundae!"

"How would you know if you didn't try!? Why can't you just give it a chance!?"

"I can _feel _it, Robin. I can always feel those dreaded feelings of doom creeping like mahogany tempos rained down from the heavens in order to scorn our lives and cheetos!"

"That's just your angst talking, Raven. Don't listen to the angst. It tends to lie like a sack of White Wigs in lingerie!"

"I…I…!!!"

"Raven…please…don't allow the evil to destroy the pretty faces of the kittens! Think of the kittens!"

"The angst is too great, Robin! I can't fight it! It's calling me to the threshold of cacophony and dreadlocks!!!

"You don't want to go there, Raven. I know the real you, inside all of that angst, chocolate craving and depressed estrogen, that the real you is still fighting to desire the happiness of lip-locking and procreation. Don't let that feeling go. It's what makes bed-shaking sex so appealing!"

"Oh, Robin…I want to be with you, truly I do…but…but…"

"What is there hesitate about!? We have so much in common. We like gymnasia clothing and skin-tight latex-wear! We enjoy the night and have deep, enigmatic, spiritual bonds that only Buddha and Jesus could possibly have! Above that, we were both molest―er―traumatized by Slade!!! Besides, what am I going to do with this leftover condom!?"

"But my impending, irreversible, unavoidable, forthcoming, foreshadowing, imminent, perilous, mega-Armageddon inducing destiny…!!"

"You don't have to fight it alone…the Titans…all of us…are here for you!"

"Oh, Robin!"

The two love-struck, star-crossed, destined, bondage-loving couple embraced each other under the moonlight, when suddenly—

"Muahahahaha!!!"

The couple gasped.

"Slade!!!"

"Wahahaha! Guess what, Robin!?"

"What, you evil, conniving, vexing, crotch-stuffing bastard!?"

"I'm your daddy!!"

"What, really!? Ewww, I mean, NOOOOO!!!"

"Hey, Robin, guess what?"

"What, Raven?"

The empath's eyes glow red. "I am my own father!!!"

"Holy placental double ewww! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

In the center of an all-white-in-all-dimension room, there is a green cow.

A few moments later, Cyborg walks over.

As he reaches the cow, music begins to play…

_Shake that thing miss kana kana  
Shake that thing miss annabella  
Shake that thing yan donna donna  
Jodi and Rebecca_

The titan looks around cautiously.

_Woman get busy, just shake that booty non-stop  
When the beat drops  
Just keep swinging it_

He begins to get into the tempo and rhythm.

_Get jiggy  
Get crunked up  
Percolate anything you want to call it  
Oscillate you hip and don't take pity_

He places his hands on the green cow and starts to…

_Me want fi see you get live 'pon the riddim when me ride  
And me lyrics a provide electricity  
Gal nobody can tell you nuttin'  
Can you done know your destiny_

The android pushes feverishly, making wavy paths of bovine flesh and rap tempos.

He grinds and he rubs.

He shakes and he gives the booty dance and—

"What the? Dude, BB, why the fuck do you have udders!?"

"………………………….moo?"

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

Terra, adorned in her _apprentice_ outfit, stares off against Raven.

"Traitor!"

"Witch!"

"Twig!"

"Bitch!"

"Whore!"

"Slut!"

"Tramp!"

"Harlot!"

"Prostitute!"

"Hussy!"

"Wench!"

"……………any more?"

"I'm out, let's get to clawing."

The two proceed to fight under the sewer, and with Terra's power in the mix, quickly blends into a pool of mud.

The two growling teens pummel and wrestle each other, until they are covered with mud.

The fight scene enters slow motion, with their hair whipping back and forth lusciously.

Strange, unexplained male hooting can be heard.

Now instead of vicious, anger contorted expressions, the two girls have their eyes closed and show a face of pleasantry as their mud-soaked bodies collide with each other.

They continue to attack each other, but only on the costumes.

They proceed to rip each other's clothes until only bikini versions of the prior outfits remain.

The hooting continues to get louder, with a vague, but distinct 'booyah' here and there.

Finally, Raven wins and pins Terra down.

She studies her adversary's face, and brings her tongue down to her—

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

"Hey, Robin. Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, Beast Boy. Go right ahead."

"Is……………is it considered inappropriate if I……_fondle_……a, um, statue?"

"………………………"

"………………well?"

"………………………………only if you go for the special no-no place."

"Oh………………………damn."

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

Speedy walks into the main room of the Titans East headquarters.

"Hey, Aqualad, guppy my friend, have you seen those two illegal immigrants?"

"What's an illegal immigrant?" The Atlantean asked as he took a bite out of a piece of meat.

"You don't know? Well, I guess it's kinda like……man, how do you put this into fish-tard language? Anyways, I'm talking about Mas y Menos."

"Oh, those two. Well, I decided to avenge my friends." He grabs some barbeque sauce.

"Your friends? Wait, are you still mad about the fish tacos? C'mon, it's not that bad, is it? Don't you believe in the whole survival of the fittest?"

"Yes, I do."

"Then why are you still mad?"

"I'm not, besides, that saying comes in handy," he says as he takes another bite of his meat.

Speedy gets a whiff. "Hey, that smells………peculiar. What is it?" He eyes the two identically shaped of roasted meat that is spinning on a pike over a fire.

He stares at what he assumes is a leg that Aqualad is eating.

The ex-sidekick blinks twice before screaming and running off with his arms flailing.

"What in Hades is his problem?" Aqualad complains as he nibbles on a huge insect wing.

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

Starfire walks into the main room clad in a tight, bright red replica of the so-called plug suit.

Robin, who was playing Pokemon Stadium 3: The Killing Spree, stops to admire.

"Hey, Starfire. Wow, that's a really cool costume for Halloween. Been watching Evangelion, eh—"

_SLAP!!!_

"Ow! Wh-what was that for, Starfire?"

"Anta-baka! You have forgotten to prepare the morning meal!"

"S-say what?"

_SLAP!!!_

"Wh-what the hell is going on h-here!?"

"Stooge of trinity! Cease ogling lustfully at the brilliance of my aesthetically magnificent physique of a female specimen!"

_SLAP!!!_

"Dammit! You're messing up my hair—"

_SLAP!!!_

"Glempork! Do not presume to be superior simply because you have surpassed my ratio of synchronization!"

"I……I think I have a concussion……!!!"

"Behold! Tremble before the onslaught of my well versed stock of animated expressions!"

And with that, Starfire engulfs Robin in a forceful kiss, dragging him to the floor and proceeds to—

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

Slade is seen sitting on a couch.

He sighs as he tried to pop a potato chip into his mouth, but to no avail because of his mask.

"Man…………I am so out of shape."

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

"Okay, class," Brother Blood begins, standing in a lecture's stance, "today, instead of watching my self-made videos of _The Wonders of Violent Diarrhea_, we will learn how to create a bacterial weapon out of orange peels, gun powder, a dildo, and a juicy brain of a marsupial."

All the academy students cheer, when—

_BOOM!!!_

The wall explodes and in charges an ice cream truck, swerving and spinning until a professionally pressed break stops the vehicle in an awesome fashion.

All of the HIVE academy students launch themselves into a full-scale battle prepped stances.

In a moment of intenseness (you know, where there is this stringent music that sounds like a brief intensified violin screech), the ice cream truck's door flies open and out steps—

"It's the master chief!"

The said soldier of the galactic war raises his battle rifle, and punctures a student's head with a superbly aimed shot.

"Head shot."

And another.

"Double kill."

And another.

"Nipple—I mean—Triple kill."

And another.

"Killtacular."

He then got tired of shooting brains and just threw a plasma grenade, which stuck onto Mammoth's crotch.

_BOOM!!!_

As the smoke and light clears, only Mammoth's lower body is left seen, while most of everyone else was killed in the vicinity.

Inside the master chief's mind, Cortana grins. _"If I could, I would definitely give you head at this very instant."_

"Damn straight."

Brother Blood, who was unscathed by the whole attack, grimaces. "Oh, phooey! Somebody get me my spare diaper! Just using Gizmo as a plug is not working out as well as I hoped!"

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

Raven's cranial artery pulses. "Beast Boy, just how far did your brain devolve?"

The changeling rubs the back of his neck sheepishly, while holding a silver cross. "Hehe, sorry about that, Raven, but there were some rumors out there, and I just had to make sure—"

He screams when Raven tackles him and sinks her fangs into his neck.

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

"Guys! Guys!" Ash Ketchum yells in his gay little voice (the kind that is on the edge of friggin' puberty where his balls are starting to drop), "guess what I did?"

"What, Ash? Did you finally changed your undies?" Misty asks with a smirk.

"No! Well, I'm gonna need to change it, since I soiled myself and all, but that's not it!"

"You finally decided to stop sniffing Pikachu's excrements and come help gather firewood?" Brock asks as he stirs a pod.

"N-no, that's not it either," the capped boy denies gingerly, and brings out a pokeball, "I caught a caterpie!"

"Didn't you already catch one, like a decade ago? ………………………why are you still a freaking kid?"

"Yeah, but this is a mutated version that'll probably evolve into the ultimate pokemon that will help defeat every opponent I ever face!"

Ash then throws the ball at the ground, breaking the cheap plastic.

A bright light emits from the opened ball and shoots a beam next to the trainer's feet, where a larval form of a creature appears.

"Oh my Ho-hos, I mean, Ho-oh! It's a hideous bug pokemon! Get it away!" Misty screams and hides behind a tree.

"…wh-what **is **that thing?" Brock asks, while reading a playboy magazine.

"Like I said, it's the pre-evolved form of the ultimate pokemon that will be able to defeat all other pokemon that were said to be legendary, supreme, and otherwise!"

"Well, what's its name?" Brock asks as he prepares his mp3 player for audio porn.

"His name is caterpie."

"Huh?"

"I'm serious! Ask him yourself!"

"_Shiiiggrrrr_……" Silky gurgled with a smile.

Brock looks around for some tissues. "Ash, are you sure that's a pokemon?"

"Of course it is! You should know by know that everything non-human in this world is all pokemon!"

"Really? Th-then………then w-what were those h-hamburgers we had last week?"

"……………………………………………………oh man."

Brock turns around and walks off. "That's it, I'm just gonna go and sexually harass Nurse Joy again."

"Make sure not to ask Officer Jenny to frisk you when you get arrested!" Ash calls out to the older teen.

He sees a pair of yellow ears. "Pikachu!"

The rodent appears and gives its cute 'pika' sounds.

"Come here and meet our new friend!"

Silky gurgles happily.

The electric rat runs over with an irresistibly cute smile. It holds out a paw to shake one of—

"Kwaaaaagg!" Silky roars as he swallows Pikachu whole.

Ash stares dumb folded before screaming.

Silky then turns around and devours the boy's legs until eventually swallowing his head.

After resting a while for digestion, the bug crawls off.

Minutes after Silky leaves, Misty comes out from behind the tree. "Damn, I guess this means double shifts for Brock as my bitch."

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

"Hey, Cy."

"What is it, little man?"

"Do you remember Red Star?"

"Of course, I do. One of the greatest damn soldiers and hero to have ever lived."

"Yeah, but, since he's a Russian soldier from the Cold War ages, doesn't that make him a communist?"

"…………………………………let's ignore the contingencies, BB."

"B-but—"

"I said ignore!"

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

"Oh, Starfire!!!"

"R-Robin!!!"

"S-starfire!!!"

"Robin!!!"

"Oh my god! Starfire!"

"Oh X'Hal, Robin, I am arriving!!!"

"STAR-STARFIIIIIIIIIRRRRE!!!"

"**X'HAL!!! I AM ARRIIIIIIIVIIIIIINNNNG!!!**"

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

Aqualad, the Atlantean is seen chasing a culprit on the beach.

There is a dry spell today, and the sun was bright as the temperature was high.

The titan ignores the feelings of dehydration and continues to run after the culprit.

Unbeknownst to him, a crowd of bikini-wearing female admirers have gathered around him and follows closely.

His shiny obsidian hair flails in the air as he runs, causing droplets of leftover water to shine under the sunlight.

His toned, muscular Atlantean body glistens with sweat, acting like grease, highlighting many of the leg muscles.

As everything is done in slow motion, bay watch style, the girls swoon and moan.

Finally, Aqualad manages to manipulate nearby seawater and crush the criminal under two hundred pounds of water pressure.

He releases a breath of relief. "Whew! Now that that little annoyance is taken care of, I need to get myself wet again. The heat wave on dry land sure is potent when it wants to be."

When he turns around, he squeals as he sees a tsunami wave of women falling on him.

"Aqualad! I'm **all **wet! Let me give you some of my moisture!"

"My ovaries are yours!"

"I want to have your eggs!!!"

"Manipulate **my **waters!"

The Atlantean screamed.

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"………they did what?" Speedy asks Bumblebee through an intercom, standing in front of a bed in the Titans East headquarters, where Aqualad lies wrapped in bandages.

The girl's voice travels through with a serious debonair.

"Isn't…………isn't that considered rape?"

Bumblebee continues to speak with a somber tone.

"How…how is that even possible? Who did **that**?"

At the beach, Bumblebee turns a critical glare at Starfire and Raven, who are kneeling on the ground nearby with their heads downcast and with regretful expressions.

"Let's just say, I think alien sexual practices are a bit more violent than we imagined."

At the headquarters, Speedy shakes his head disappointedly and morbidly.

On the bed, Aqualad trembles.

"…………_I……I hate……hate the beach……gah……………Poseidon kill me……_"

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

"Hey, Raven," Terra chirps as she walks into kitchen, "have you seen BB? He said something about performing an exorcism—is that goat blood?"

"Before you ask anything else, Terra, are you a virgin?"

The petite blonde blushed. "Wh-what? I, um, yeah, I am, of course I am. J-just what does that have to do with—"

The blonde screams when the empath leaps and sinks her fangs into her neck.

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

Robin hands over a credit card to the store clerk, who swipes the card and searches for confirmation.

"I'm……I'm sorry, Mr. Robin. B-but your card has been maxed out."

"What!?" The Boy Wonder exclaims, "what do you mean it's maxed out!? I haven't used this card for over several months!!! How could it possibly be maxed out!?"

Somewhere……

……at a night club in Steel City………

Speedy chuckles with both his arms around two hot babes.

With Robin's voice, his says: "And so I said: 'Johnny Rancid? Well, I guess I know why your breath smells like Plasmus' crotch.'"

The girls giggle feverishly, caressing the titan's chest on both sides.

A waitress comes over, holding three glasses on a plate.

As Speedy and the two girls each grabs a drink, the redhead hands a credit card to the waitress.

"Here, go to town with this."

"Thank you, Mr. Robin."

"No problem. Hey, do you think we can go skinny dipping in that water fountain?"

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

Beast Boy walks into the game/computer room. "…………………dude, where's the couch, Cyborg?"

"It…………needed to be thrown out." answers the android, who is playing a racecar game while sitting on the ground.

"Why?"

"…………………………………"

"Cy?"

"I did a scan this morning."

"A scan?"

"Yeah, an UV ray scan. Because the couch was feeling kinda icky."

"Icky?"

"……………I ………found some fluids."

"Someone spilled their drink?"

"………………………………………………… _suurrrrrre_."

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

"Aw, man." Speedy moans.

"What? Did something bad happen?" asks Bumblebee.

"Mas Y Menos just got deported."

"Again!? I thought I told them to stay away from Taco Bell!"

"Actually, how did they ever manage to get caught?"

"How else!? They just made a fence with a net on the top! You know those two can't resist climbing a fence!!!"

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

"You know, titans," Robin says out loud, "this is actually not as different as I thought it would be."

"Indeed!" Starfire agrees with her usual cheerfulness, "The dark aura in the ambience has not altered beyond the level of satisfaction. And we have even acquired a new ally!"

"As long as she doesn't touch my car or angsts around the tower, you won't hear any complaints from me!"

"Yah!" Terra cheers, "now there're two blondes in the house! Finally, I have a friend to go buy pink nail polish and training bras with!"

Sitting at the counter in the kitchen, Mandy snaps her fingers. "Hey, yutz. Go get me a glass of orange juice."

Beast Boy, wearing a dark robe forced on him, groans. "Aw, c'mon! At least Raven always made her own herbal tea!"

He winces as he is hit by the corner of a paperback.

"Do I look like a gothic, leotard-wearing spawn of a demon?"

"Well……not the leotard-wearing part……"

_POW!!!_

Somewhere in Endsville……

"Heeheeheeeheeheeheeheeheehee!!!" Billy laughs with glee.

"Azar kill me…" Raven groans as she rubs her temple.

"Raven is a birdie! Raven is a birdie! Raven is a birdie! Heeheeheeheehee! Fried chicken!"

"Correction: Azar kill him."

"Finally!" Grim rejoices, "Somebody who agrees wid me! Here you go, child. I will loan you me scythe! Now do the boy in!"

Raven takes the scythe into her hands.

She inspects it for a moment before bringing it up under the sunlight.

The tool of the reaper glistens with an unholy aura.

Raven grins. "Who said nothing good comes from death?"

With a swift swipe, she lopes off Billy's head.

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

A number of women are gathered in the waiting room of a clinic.

"I hear that he gives you eternal beauty."

"I heard that he can _fix _everything."

On the bar on the office, the name: _Dr. Fixit's Plastic Surgery _pans on the camera view.

On a television nearby, a commercial is playing.

_(Instrumental xylophone music plays. A woman in her late sixties appears. She is seen stuffed into a machine. Fixit's face appears)_

"_In Fixit's plastic surgery services, we guarantee you an entire new lood. Flawless, exotic, everlasting. Whatever you humans wish to resemble."_

_(The machine rumbles, emitting light, smoke, and various degrees of screaming. After a good lasting moments, the hatch pops off, and a mechanical of Angelina Jolie appears.) _

"_So come on down to Fixit's plastic surgery. We promise you a lifetime of upgrades."_

_(The mechanical Angelina Jolie takes out a pistol and shoots a nearby cat.)_

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

The Teen Titan's theme rings from the communicator.

Robin blinks as he counts off the six titans. "Who else could be calling this frequency? (_beep)_ Hello?"

"_Hehehehehe…………I know what you did last summer, Robin._"

"The hell?"

"_Beware! Santa Claus is coming to town! And he's going to stuff your 'stockings'!"_

"God-dammit! Is that you again, Slade!?"

"_Ooohoo! Mr. Primordial Ooze has come to rape the day!_"

"Stop harassing us via radio every time we foil your stupid plans!"

"_Don't be gay, be happy! Haaaaaaappyyyyyyy!!!"_

"Arrrgggh!!!" _(beep)_

Off from camera view, Cyborg's voice: _"What the fuck? Someone just hacked into the tower's video-com system!!_"

Robin growls. "Dammit! What the hell did that psychotic chimpanzee do this time!?"

Slade's face appears on the gigantic computer screen. "_Hello, titans. I have a message for you all that I strongly recommend to not ignore._"

Suddenly, two puppets appear on the screen with him. One is a worm while the other is a cucumber.

"_Hey, Wormy," _says the cucumber in a badly masked Slade voice, _"do you know who sucks?"_

"_Why, the Teen Titans, of course!" _

"Robin," Beast Boy whines, "he's doing it again!"

"_That's right, Wormy! And do you know why the Teen Titans suck?"_

"_Because they're a bunch of adolescent freaks hanging around an alien with orange breasts!"_

Starfire gasps, scoffs, and crosses her arms.

"_Weeeheee! Go to hell, Teen Titans!!! Weeeheeehehehehehehehe!!!_"

"_You said it, Wormy!!!_"

"God, we so need to fucking kill him."

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

Jinx, chewing on a piece of cotton candy, frowns as she lies naked under the covers with Kid Flash.

"So………you really are as fast as you say."

Kid Flash buries his face in his pillow and sobs.

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

"Dear friend Raven," Starfire calls as she floats into the kitchen, "have you perchance encountered our resident transformer and malnourished geomancer? I could not locate them in any aspect of the tower, and they have missed our agreed arrangement for creation of culinary delights!"

"Sorry, I haven't seen them, Starfire. Hey, by the way, are you a virg—never mind, but there is a naked Robin behind you."

"Truly!? Huh? Raven, I believe you are mistaken—"

The Tamaranian squeals in a glass-shattering pitch as Raven sinks her fangs into her neck.

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………Cyborg does the robot dance.

…………………………………_You knew it was fucking coming._

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

"Mommy!" a child yips excitedly to her mother, "look at the cute lil' puppy!"

"Yes, honey, but you know your father won't let you flush down a terrier."

"But it's just asking for it, mommy! Please, let me kill it!"

"Only if you promise to eat all your vegetables and to not do the same to mommy and daddy when we get old."

"Yah! I promise!"

As children and adults alike tour around in the renowned pet store of Jump City Mall, a siren blares loudly.

A store clerk immediately recognizes the type of alarm. "Oh my god! It's the Killer of the Fuzzies! Hurry! We have to close the gate!"

As customers look on in confusion, a titanium plated gate drops from the top of the entrance, efficiently sealing the store off from the outside world.

Just as the store employees began to breathe in relief, a hard knock rang through the plated metal.

_BANG!!!_

_THUD!!!_

_CLANG!!!_

The people inside all shivered with fear at each individual attack on the titanium barrier, which grew louder in crescendo.

A short moment of silence ensued before—

_WHAM!!!_

A green energy bolt blasts through, efficiently creating a hole in the shield of the pet store.

"Oh no! She's broken through! Quick, hide all the hamsters first!"

In a split second, the assaulter entered the store through the gape in the broken defense shield.

"Oh glorious! All the cute fluffy friends! I must give tender, loving, solid hugs to each and every creature!" Starfire declared with great enthusiasm and joy.

She then proceeded to hug the pets that were not taken away by the store clerks, crushing them into bloody pulps of mangled flesh and entrails.

Robin, who peered inside through the hole, took out a notepad.

"Note to self: do not ever take Starfire to an orphanage……………………EVER."

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

Slade, flesh melted and bones showing, rises from the depths of the patch of solidified lava beneath the crust of the earth.

As he crawls out from where he was buried, a booming voice could be heard.

"_**Rise, mortal……………...rise as I command………….rise to fulfill my demands and your servitude shall be rewarded appropriately."**_

Ignoring the booming, overlord type voice, Slade took a look at his body. "Oh, this is seriously fucked up. That Terra bitch is sooooo grounded for doing this to my magnificent body."

He then took a look in his pants. "Damn. Now a 'smoked sausage' pun is not at all misused for me."

"_**Do not ignore me, mortal! For I shall torment you in the most agonizing and painful manners humanity has ever had the misfortune of experiencing! Hundreds of years in dimensional exile have given me endless time to ponder over novel torturing techniques that shall deal infinite amounts of pain and anguish."**_

"Really? C-can you show me some?"

"_**Argh. Am I forever cursed to deal with these oddities from the mortal realm?"**_

"Is that a 'no'?"

"_**Anyways, if you serve me, mortal, I shall grant you what you desire the most!!"**_

"Excellent! I can finally get an apprentice who won't end up doing me in or fucking me in the ass!?"

"_**Yes, no, wait, what segway of dialogue does this get to!? Fine, whatever, boytoy, girltoy, whichever to your picking. First that psychopathic Michael Jackson mortal and now this. How many ingrates do I have to suffer through?"**_

"What benefits do I get? I don't work for anyone without a good dental plan in the backing."

"_**You are charcoal, mortal, what in the nine hells of oblivion do you have need for dental hygiene!?"**_

"Alright, fair enough. But what about health plan? I'm going to need some serious plastic surgery with my tenth degree burn and all that shit."

"_**Argh. The complete return of your flesh was supposed to be your reward!"**_

"Really? Hmmm, that would make sense. With my current 'smoked meatlog', I won't be savoring any enjoyment of living……or deading……or undeading, whatever the hell this is. It's decided, I'll have the restoration of my flesh as my reward!"

"_**Very well……you inferior being of morbid sexuality……complete the task I assign to you, and I shall bestow upon you the granting of your deepest desire."**_

"A robotic bull?"

"_**No!!! The restoration of your body!! Were you not listening!?"**_

"You don't have to shout, your voice booms across the whole place just dandily."

"_**Grah!!!"**_

"So, what's the task?"

"_**To collect the jewel in my eyes, the key to my release, and the beacon of my resurface, my daughter—Raven."**_

"You are so lying. There is no chance that Raven is your daughter. Raven is a hot piece of ass, and you're just a gigantic piece of flaming ass."

"_**Grah! Choose whatever reality you wish to believe in, but fulfill the requirements for my uprising! Convince her to return to my side, and free me from this accursed caged realm!"**_

"……………………………………c-can I cup a feel from her while I'm at it?"

"……………………_**WHAT?"**_

"N-nothing."

"……………………………………_**.."**_

"………………………………………"

"……………………………………_**..."**_

"……………………………your daughter is hot."

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

"Mind if I join you?"

"Sure," Cyborg grunted as he swirled his gamestation controller around while mashing the buttons furiously, "just grab a control and—huh? **Raven?**"

Silently, the empath sat down grabbed the second controller, and joined the game.

Baffled, Cyborg quietly conceded the situation and started a new game. Before a minute passed since the start of the game, it was obvious to Cyborg that the oddly acting girl was not in the interest of actually playing video games, which was much more logical.

Perhaps she wanted to talk to him. Maybe something was bothering her, and although it was still a matter of peculiar occurrence, she came to him for support. He felt anxious and nervous at the same time, not knowing what this situation called for or where it might lead.

After several minutes, Cyborg finally mustered enough courage, and paused the pointless game.

"Raven," he addressed in a solemn tone, "what's going on?"

The blue-haired titan turned to the android, her eyes shivering with emotion. "I…………it's nothing. I merely wanted to try my hands at the gamestation, broaden my horizons."

"Bullshit. I know something troubling you. You don't have to beat around the bush, just……………tell me what wrong. I…I w-want to help you."

"Cyborg………" she muttered as she turned her away.

Cyborg saw slight tears in her eyes, and she was…………blushing?

Feeling his mechanical signals beep faster, the android scooted closer to the emotionally troubled girl, and touched her hand.

"Raven……y-you know you can trust me. So please trust yourself to trust me."

The empath sniffed once, and twice, without turning to look at him, she said: "Beast Boy's naked in the kitchen and eating a coconut-cream-filled hotdog covered in Starfire's secretly stashed mustard."

"…………………………bwah?" Cyborg cawed as he turned around, "wait, BB knows not to touch Starfire's mustard—"

He screamed when Raven sunk her fangs into the top of his skull, since he didn't have flesh on his neck.

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

Jinx, chewing on a piece of pink bubble gum, frowns as she lies naked under the covers with Speedy.

"Well……at least you didn't pick the wrong name."

Speedy sobs into his pillow.

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

Terra jumps onto Beast Boy and kisses him roughly.

"Egads! W-while completely aroused with a full erection, just wh-what are you doing, Terra!?"

"I want bestiality and a wolf cub for a child, right now!"

"H-have you been watching Inuyasha again!? It doesn't work that way!"

……_now that was more absurd than anything else. But one of the quirks of M rated fics is the freedom to urinate at any direction one pleases. So I 'stand' for my rights. Get it? I'm male, by the way. Get it? You better fucking get it!!!_

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

She sees the sea of flames dance before her eyes, the ruins of the city engulfed in a never ending tirade of stone and death. The flesh of the denizens of the world petrified as the sky turns to red and the structures of humanity crumble as if the stars were expelled from the sky itself.

She trembles, feeling the demonic markings of her cursed lineage, feeling the morbid, hellish knowledge of a citadel ruined because of her existence—

"Hands above the shoulders."

"Sorry," Slade mumbles as he pulls his hand up.

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

Running and breathing in extreme desperation, Robin rounds a corner and adhere himself to the wall, constantly exhaling sharply.

"Oh, Robiiiiin……" a slightly seductive voice cooed, "why are you running away? But it's okay. It just makes the game much more entertaining."

"I saw you!" Robin declared, confident that the echoes in the halls would not reveal his location, "I saw you suck Cyborg dry like a can of orange juice! What the hell!? You're a fucking VAMPIRE, Raven!!

"Oh, I personally prefer Blood Guzzler, because it sounds more……interesting. How about you stop hiding and come into my bedroom? I'll show you that blood isn't the only thing I enjoy sucking."

The Boy Wonder's eyes widened. "What the—did you just make sexual come on?"

A giggle was the reply. "Well, there will definitely be some 'come' on, though I think you will be responsible for that."

The boy seemed tempted, but shook his head. "No! I know that's a lie! You just want to lure me out and sap me dry like a towel on tomato soup!"

"Actually," the sweet voice carried, "the whole reason I basically ate the others was because I wanted to have wild, bed-breaking sex with you."

Robin seemed surprised. "R-really? Um, I-I'm flattered."

"Your ego won't be the only thing I'm willing to stroke, Robbie Poo. Now, are we going to continue this game of sexually frustrated hot teenage girl and boy with a tight ass? Or are we going to have an exclusive tour of my room, without our clothes?"

The thought process took three seconds.

Robin all but ran back into the halls.

Upon finding Raven, the two remaining members of the Teen Titans scurried into the room that was once forbidden, and everything became PIXILTED.

_**Psskkkktttt!!!!**_

Slade turned the television off.

"Goddammit. These shows suck. I need to find myself some quality porn. Hmm……… maybe I can somehow create an opportunity to do something insanely illegal to that Terra chick………"

_**END**_

_**OH, THANK FUCKING BUDDHA**_


End file.
